When Life Hands You Lemons

So months ago I wrote a post about Postpartum Anxiety . I later came to find out I also had Postpartum depression. I know expectant mothers hear about what to look for after baby to know if they have postpartum depression but no one ever lets you know how hard it is and how hard it is to get over. I have had depression since I can remember. I would go to my mother so overwhelmed (really why would a 5-year-old be overwhelmed with life) and I would just cry in her arms. She would ask me “why are you crying?” and I would respond to her between sobs “I don’t know”.  So when I became pregnant I was very worried that since I already had depression that I would get Postpartum and well I did. Now a lot of things could have led to my postpartum depression other than just my existing depression because a lot of moms who suffer from depression may never get postpartum depression.

A month before I found out I was pregnant my mom died suddenly and unexpectedly. (Yeah that sucked and still does) So I started out my pregnancy grieving the lost of a parent plus all those fantastic hormone changes you go through and the mood swings, it was far from what I had imagined pregnancy to be. When my daughter was three months old my milk supply started to go down( another thing I thought would be wonderful and rewarding) sending me deeper in to my depression (since I was not medicated and only in therapy), I did everything in my power over the next few month to try to get my supply up. I nursed and then pumped every night at 2am which would span over an hour. I pumped at work every three hours, I would come home nurse my baby and follow-up with pumping . I used the supplement nursing system to make sure my baby was getting enough to eat and to stimulate my body to produce more milk. I went to the lactation consultant once a week for two months. Finally when my daughter was five months and my supply was all but gone I gave up, even though I knew I did everything in my power to continue nursing this was devastating to me, I felt I had failed my daughter.  Then I lost my job.

I was a sinking ship and I was sinking fast. I thought I was going crazy. I finally got on meds, which I hated! I didn’t care about anything but after months of therapy and taking meds I was able to ween off of it all over time.

So now I am Postpartum free according to my doctor. So why don’t I feel like it.  I think it has something to do with last October (2012) when  I got sick. The first couple days I felt crummy and when I took my temp I was surprised to see it was at 104 degrees. I didn’t feel that sick so the next morning I went to see our family doctor. I had tonsillitis, she gave me meds and sent me home. That night my daughter spent the night at grandma and grandpa’s (thank God) so I could sleep and get better. By 10pm I knew something was way wrong I was on these meds but I was only getting worse. I couldn’t walk with out hugging the wall, and I could hardly stay awake. So I called my husband at his night job and told him I had to go in, he called his dad and had him take me in since he was the only one at work that night. My Father in law came to pick me up and he knew right away something was wrong. He took me in to urgent care and that doctor said the same as my family doctor and sent me home. At  1am my husband found me standing in our daughters closet, at 8 am I had a seizure and was rushed to the hospital. My tonsillitis had turned in to bacterial meningitis that was starting to affect my frontal lobe of my brain.

This brings me to why I may never feel like myself  like I did pre-postpartum. It’s a hard thing to realize and accept but this Oct I will know if I have permanent brain damage. The closer it gets, the more nervous I am getting. Mainly because there are lots of things as a result to my illness that still have not gone away. Memory loss, a lot of memories that were right before October 2012 I do not remember at all and those are gone forever but worse yet I forget things that should be in my long-term memory things I have learned in the past, events that I have gone to. I can’t retain accurate information.  I don’t respond to things appropriately, I will respond to things that a normal person would think but know better than to say, this has only gotten me in trouble once and embarrassed me many times. I am not motivated as I use to be. I have to make my self to do daily tasks, laundry, dishes, picking up. While taking care of my daughter is not a worry (short-term memory is in healthy working order) I worry I will always feel like this.  I also worry that when I get older this will affect my elderly years.  Scary thoughts but I won’t know until I get scanned in Oct.  Let’s hope all is well.

Live  Healthy 🙂